It is 4:22 am and I can't sleep. I just got back from the Keys and I have to be up at 6 am to get ready for our yard sale and I can't sleep. Visions of packing and tickets and visas and funds (or the lack) are dancing like sugarplums in my head. I sometimes see how it will all play out and then at other times I can't see anything.
I took Ty (my nephew) with me tonight down to the Keys and we had fun just chatting and laughing together. On the way down, when we were already on the islands, we put the sun roof back and stared (I did watch the road intermittently) through the hole in the ceiling of the car at a vast, inky black field of lights. Immense globes of flame, dancing and singing praises to the Creator. It is wonderful to find yourself in a place, like that, surrounded by ocean and so few lights that the stars just seem to come from everywhere. You realize just how small you are and in that moment you are in your proper place; in absolute awe of the infinite God.
I am sure that even those who would call themselves atheists, look at a sky like that and feel that same awe, only their troubled mind lacks a definition for it.
So, in the morning I will place some of my belongings on a borrowed table and submit it to a thousand scrutinies by complete strangers. Perhaps some will find themselves unable to live without it and should that happen enough times; maybe, just maybe I'll leave my room a little emptier than I find it right now.
Well, I guess that's all I have to say really. God has been good to me, but then again, that's nothing new. He always has been. Goodnight, or perhaps I should say, good morning.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
black holes and the synaptically-challenged...
At this moment I'm sitting in what I will call,
I am still uncertain of who has the control, but daily I am having misgivings that it is me. My room looks as if a random collocation of rogue atoms in the universe banded together to create a monster. I have books stacked upon books in various corners and sectors representing everything from Crime and Punishment to Here Be Monsters! I have clothes stacked awaiting yard sale, CD's piled on my desk, on my record player (also soon to be auctioned) and I begin to feel just a little disconnected. Things that once seemed like old friends grow price tags over night and I feel my relationship to what is temporal begin to shift.
Somehow in the coming few days I have to sort through seven years...no, wait; twelve years of life. I see myself as Linus with this unsightly cloud of clutter that seems to suspend itself awkwardly in my wake. It is sobering to think how much stuff I have generated in such a short life. Simplify.
I am moving. I am going to Africa once again. If I allow myself to dwell on what needs to happen between where I sit in this black hole of organization, to when I step into a cramped, aluminum tube to jet across the cold Atlantic, I am uncertain how it will all play out, but in juxtaposition to that position is the knowledge that I know Christ has called me to this and He has not and will not leave me to my own synaptically-challenged thought patterns and memory blackouts. Things will happen, needs will be provided and when I look in retrospect it will look like the inside of a fine pocket watch with every tiny gear and perfectly machined component fitting into its place. And this mirror, this clouded glass will reveal itself and every "chance" happening will prove to be ordained and planned and set in place by a loving Father.
I try not to worry about the days ahead or fret about whether or not everything will happen, but try and enjoy the days that God has given me here with friends and family; they are so few. My mother received a DVD for Christmas, a Hallmark movie called The Magic of Ordinary Days. That thought has really struck me. Do I see the magic that is in every "ordinary" day?
If we could fathom the forces at work in the sun and the universe as we fly through space and discover truly, what happens every time we see that sun slip into the morning sky and feel that cool ocean breeze weaving through the trees and across the water in tiny ripples; no day would be ordinary again. These days are magic. Every breath is a second chance, a gift from our Father. Use them well.
If I cross your mind, pray for me as I try to harness the chaos and hopefully emerge with a few well-packed boxes and a greater appreciation for all the blessings that I have received.
controlledchaos.
I am still uncertain of who has the control, but daily I am having misgivings that it is me. My room looks as if a random collocation of rogue atoms in the universe banded together to create a monster. I have books stacked upon books in various corners and sectors representing everything from Crime and Punishment to Here Be Monsters! I have clothes stacked awaiting yard sale, CD's piled on my desk, on my record player (also soon to be auctioned) and I begin to feel just a little disconnected. Things that once seemed like old friends grow price tags over night and I feel my relationship to what is temporal begin to shift.
Somehow in the coming few days I have to sort through seven years...no, wait; twelve years of life. I see myself as Linus with this unsightly cloud of clutter that seems to suspend itself awkwardly in my wake. It is sobering to think how much stuff I have generated in such a short life. Simplify.
I am moving. I am going to Africa once again. If I allow myself to dwell on what needs to happen between where I sit in this black hole of organization, to when I step into a cramped, aluminum tube to jet across the cold Atlantic, I am uncertain how it will all play out, but in juxtaposition to that position is the knowledge that I know Christ has called me to this and He has not and will not leave me to my own synaptically-challenged thought patterns and memory blackouts. Things will happen, needs will be provided and when I look in retrospect it will look like the inside of a fine pocket watch with every tiny gear and perfectly machined component fitting into its place. And this mirror, this clouded glass will reveal itself and every "chance" happening will prove to be ordained and planned and set in place by a loving Father.
I try not to worry about the days ahead or fret about whether or not everything will happen, but try and enjoy the days that God has given me here with friends and family; they are so few. My mother received a DVD for Christmas, a Hallmark movie called The Magic of Ordinary Days. That thought has really struck me. Do I see the magic that is in every "ordinary" day?
If we could fathom the forces at work in the sun and the universe as we fly through space and discover truly, what happens every time we see that sun slip into the morning sky and feel that cool ocean breeze weaving through the trees and across the water in tiny ripples; no day would be ordinary again. These days are magic. Every breath is a second chance, a gift from our Father. Use them well.
If I cross your mind, pray for me as I try to harness the chaos and hopefully emerge with a few well-packed boxes and a greater appreciation for all the blessings that I have received.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
#itsthe011son...
I suppose this should be the post where I lay bare my plans for the New Year and all my supposed resolutions. The fact is, I have never really been one to make that many resolutions, if any, but I think more than most this year has given me pause.
I actually fell asleep before the changing of the guard between 2010 and 2011. Delani woke me up on the couch about a quarter after midnight and I wearily walked to my room and went to sleep. It was the next morning that the beauty of the new year really sank in. It's like a clean slate, a new beginning. Yes, I know all the various cliches are rather trite, but I think amidst all the verbiage, there is some truth; we all get a second chance with the new year.
I made a mess of the last year and where it went I cannot really say. I have been blessed I know beyond a doubt. I have seen sunsets and sunrises to make your heart ache. I have seen mountain views and deep snow drifts and stormy seas. I've made new friends, traveled, drank good coffee, listened to beautiful music, said goodbyes, found grey hairs and come to the slow realization that thirty is much closer than I used to think. I have so many beautiful memories, painful regrets and faithful nudges from the Holy Spirit this year and I am truly blessed.
So, back to the resolutions, or lack thereof; I suppose I have a few. To fear less. To grow in my walk with Christ. To be thankful everyday to Christ for not giving up on me when I had given up on Him this past year. To read more. To read better quality. To watch fewer movies and have more conversations. To take more pictures of the ones I love. To not wish I was anywhere but where I am and in the company of those I'm with. To place others before myself. To learn to be the kind of man that my father is; a good husband, a wonderful father, a faithful friend and a fearless adventurer who takes to the skies nearly everyday.
So, goodnight and a happy New Year to all of you.
I actually fell asleep before the changing of the guard between 2010 and 2011. Delani woke me up on the couch about a quarter after midnight and I wearily walked to my room and went to sleep. It was the next morning that the beauty of the new year really sank in. It's like a clean slate, a new beginning. Yes, I know all the various cliches are rather trite, but I think amidst all the verbiage, there is some truth; we all get a second chance with the new year.
I made a mess of the last year and where it went I cannot really say. I have been blessed I know beyond a doubt. I have seen sunsets and sunrises to make your heart ache. I have seen mountain views and deep snow drifts and stormy seas. I've made new friends, traveled, drank good coffee, listened to beautiful music, said goodbyes, found grey hairs and come to the slow realization that thirty is much closer than I used to think. I have so many beautiful memories, painful regrets and faithful nudges from the Holy Spirit this year and I am truly blessed.
So, back to the resolutions, or lack thereof; I suppose I have a few. To fear less. To grow in my walk with Christ. To be thankful everyday to Christ for not giving up on me when I had given up on Him this past year. To read more. To read better quality. To watch fewer movies and have more conversations. To take more pictures of the ones I love. To not wish I was anywhere but where I am and in the company of those I'm with. To place others before myself. To learn to be the kind of man that my father is; a good husband, a wonderful father, a faithful friend and a fearless adventurer who takes to the skies nearly everyday.
So, goodnight and a happy New Year to all of you.
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